I use the popular mobile app for Nextdoor to keep up to date on what is going on in my neighborhood. In my SW Portland neighborhood we put the Weird in Portland. This week after many coyote sightings and other reports, someone posted a funny sarcastic warning about “pygmy wolves”. There is never a dull moment or something not funny in Mr. Hurley’s Neighborhood.

It’s become clear to me that SW Portland is suffering from a major infestation of pigmy wolves. Based on panicked daily reports on Nextdoor, I estimate that there are probably upward of 7000 of these vicious creatures running in about 500 packs. They are dragging away our cats, small dogs and unwary toddlers.

This is no laughing matter folks. Experimentation with pigmy wolves leads to the next step up and eventually you’re dealing with a full-blown timber wolf infestation.

I think we in the west hills have three logical alternatives for action:

1) Gather all the villagers in a line at the ridge with garbage can lids and shotguns. Beating the lids with baseball bats, we will drive the savage beasts down towards the river, drowning most and shooting those that escape.
2) Gather at the river with lit torches, then set the fields and forests aflame, driving them up towards the ridge line where we will shoot them as they run across the exposed alpine meadows.
3) Pool our resources and rent a few helicopters. We can then shoot them dead from the air or hit them with tranquilizers when they can then be radio tagged and released in the wild (Beaverton is my suggestion).

Anyone have a better suggestion? I’m scared stiff to take my cat out for a walk lest I return home trailing an empty leash and with a lot of explaining to do to the wife.

Oh and if you spot this friendly tasty chicken, please let me know as another of my neighbors is looking for this escapee pet before the pygmy wolves or another hungry neighbor find it.